


why can't i say i'm in love?

by regrettes



Category: The Prom - Sklar/Beguelin/Martin
Genre: F/F, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2020-06-26 20:25:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19775758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/regrettes/pseuds/regrettes
Summary: Emma decides to go to junior prom, after Alyssa asks her to. Even though Alyssa is going with Greg.





	why can't i say i'm in love?

_We keep behind closed doors_

_Every time I see you, I die a little more_

_Stolen moments that we steal as the curtain falls_

_It'll never be enough_

Emma knew that junior prom wasn’t going to be fun for her, she didn’t have a date, and she didn’t have the guts to ask her girlfriend to prom. Even if she did, Alyssa would never say yes. Her mom would have a stroke, and probably murder the blonde in a heartbeat. What she hadn’t expected was Alyssa coming into the band closet a week before to tell her Greg had asked her and she’d said yes. Emma felt a part of her break inside, but put a smile on her face because she knew there was no other way. Alyssa assured her it didn’t mean anything, but Emma couldn’t help the worry and tears that came after Alyssa had left the closet.

_It'll never be enough_

_As you drive me to my house_

_I can't stop these silent tears from rolling down_

The end of the day led to more tears, as Alyssa tried to ask if she was okay with it. She knew that it was selfish, that she knew that this was something she should support because it meant Alyssa got to have the night of her life, even if it wasn’t with Emma. “We can go to prom together next year, I promise Emma. I-I’m just... I’m not ready yet,” Alyssa offered, her own tears streaming down her cheeks as Emma blinked back any that got into her vision. She needed to focus on driving to Alyssa’s house. She offered a sad smile, tears catching in the corners of her mouth but not trusting her voice enough to speak. Senior prom. She could work with that, that would be a long wait to get to dance with her girlfriend, but she knew that it would be worth it.

_You and I both have to hide_

_On the outside where I can't be yours and you_

_Can't be mine_

But that didn’t stop Emma from wishing things were different. That things wouldn’t hurt her so bad when she imagined Alyssa dancing with Greg, that she didn’t have to duck her head as Alyssa got out of her truck so no one saw who was giving her a ride home. That her heart didn’t break every time Alyssa let go of her hand, their meetings in the band closet getting shorter in length and frequency. She imagined that Alyssa wasn’t losing interest, that things didn’t feel strained, she’d hoped they’d make it longer than just six months.

_But I know this_

_We got a love that is homeless_

She believed in their love, in them. She knew that they could make it longer, that she was just panicking over the little things. It was near the end of the year, that meant Alyssa had to help with student council things, or study and help Kaylee and Shelby study. It didn’t mean she didn’t still want to be with Emma, it just meant she was busy. They still had their stolen moments in the closet, which felt more and more ironic to Emma as the days passed by. She came everyday, just in hopes of Alyssa appearing and kissing away her worries. It was still so rare that Alyssa did, but when she did, they ignored the upcoming prom. Until the day before, when Alyssa asked if she was coming at all. Emma hadn’t thought about it, not knowing if she should, or if she’d be welcomed. She didn’t have friends, and her girlfriend would be busy with her date all night. “Please Em? I want to at least be able to see you tomorrow night... I know this isn’t how we want things to be but... please? For me?”

_Why can't I hold you in the street?_

_Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?_

That was how Emma showed up to the prom in an ill-fitting suit her grandma had helped her pick out the night before. It was a little too long in the legs, but that just meant that Emma could cuff the pant legs and feel a little more herself. Not having dress shoes, she ended up wearing her high-top converse, thinking that they looked kind of cute. She wished that she’d had more time to prepare, but that really fell onto something she could’ve done. Something out of her control was how much she didn’t want to be up against the wall, alone, while Alyssa danced with her friends. She wished that she’d found it in her to tell her girlfriend no, but she knew that if she had she never would’ve gotten to see the blue dress that she wore, and how her smile lit up the entire room.

_I wish that it could be like that_

_Why can't it be like that?_

_'Cause I'm yours_

She wanted to be the one to wear the boutonniere that matched Alyssa’s corsage. She wanted to shout that she loved Alyssa over the music and kiss her on the dance floor. She would do anything for Alyssa Greene, a fact that she knew wasn’t going to change anytime soon. One glance over from those deep brown eyes had her hooked all over again. It happened when Alyssa went to get punch the first time, her smile causing Emma’s heart to flutter. She snuck a wave, ignoring the part of her screaming to go talk to her. She knew it was too risky right now, Mrs. Greene was watching her like a hawk. That feeling didn’t go away, no matter how hard she tried, making sure that she snuck a little closer every time she wasn’t looking.

_Why can't I say that I'm in love?_

_I wanna shout it from the rooftops_

Emma managed to be getting a glass of punch one of the times Alyssa came to the table, her heart skipping at the idea she could even exchange a simple greeting with Alyssa. “Having fun?” Emma asked, knowing that if she asked then she wouldn’t have to tell Alyssa she was having a terrible time. “Yeah, Greg’s actually really sweet,” Alyssa chuckled, glancing back to where her friends were. Emma handed over a glass of punch, knowing that if she talked too much longer someone would suspect Emma of something, “I’m-I’m glad ‘Lyssa...” With that, she was gone again, seemingly unfazed by the obvious cracks in Emma’s facade. There wasn’t a way to remain positive when your girlfriend was being schmoozed by someone who could actually love her the way she needed. The way society wanted.

_I wish that it could be like that_

_Why can't it be like that?_

_'Cause I'm yours_

Alyssa’s smile only seemed to grow as the night went on, both to Emma’s delight and dismay. She knew that the girl was having the time of her life and that was all the awkward girl could hope for. She heard, as Kaylee and Shelby came over, snippets of a conversation that she wished she wouldn’t have however. “He’s totally going to ask her out after this...” was followed quickly with an agreement from one of them, before both girls noticed Emma standing there and looked at her in disgust. Feeling herself start freezing up, she quickly made her way to the bathroom, hiding out for a little while.

_It's obvious you're meant for me_

_Every piece of you, it just fits perfectly_

_Every second, every thought, I'm in so deep_

_But I'll never show it on my face_

Emma knew that there was no one that could understand her the way Alyssa did, that there was no one that would ever mean the same thing to the blonde. Alyssa had stolen her heart freshman year over a science experiment gone wrong, and her love had only grown since then. This love was something so special to Emma, and it meant she had to focus on the idea of next year. Senior prom. It would be her turn to kiss Alyssa on the dance floor.

_But we know this, we got a love that is homeless_

For now she’d have to settle for the band closet. For the moments in her truck, and when Alyssa told her mom she was going to Shelby’s and told Shelby she was stuck at home, just so she could see Emma for an hour or two at the farm. It wasn’t much, but it was what they had to work with and Emma could be happy with it. She had to be happy with it.

_Why can't you hold me in the street?_

_Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?_

Making her way back onto the dance floor of the gym, she locked eyes with Alyssa again, feeling tears well up in her eyes. They’d threatened to fall in the bathroom, but she’d fought them. She tried to fight them again, but something in her knew that she was reaching a point where her resolve would break. This was a lot harder than she’d expected it to be, and she didn’t know if she could make it through the night.

_I wish that it could be like that_

_Why can't we be like that?_

_'Cause I'm yours_

Alyssa’s mother had disappeared while Emma was in the bathroom, which seemed to give Alyssa a chance to come over and nod for Emma to join her back in the bathroom. She waited a moment or two after Alyssa had gone in before following, feeling her girlfriend’s arms around her almost immediately as she entered the room. She melted against the brunette, feeling a sob wrack her body. They didn’t have much time before someone else came in, but this moment was more than she’d expected. She wrapped her arms around Alyssa and held her as close as possible. “I-Emma you’re okay...” Alyssa whispered, her lips brushing Emma’s cheek briefly before she pulled away. It was too soon for Emma’s liking, but she knew that it was necessary. She nodded, wiping her eyes and giving a sad smile, falling just short of telling Alyssa she loved her as Kaylee walked in and startled them.

_Why can't I say that I'm in love?_

_I wanna shout it from the rooftops_

Why couldn’t she just say it out loud? She hadn’t even been able to say it in a text message before, but right when she felt she had the courage, it was gone. She couldn’t say it to anyone but herself, let alone to Alyssa in front of someone she’d once considered a friend. She offered a tight smile to Kaylee before chancing a glance at Alyssa and darting from the bathroom, hoping that the room filled with people was somehow less claustrophobic.

_I wish that it could be like that_

_Why can't we be like that?_

_'Cause I'm yours_

She hoped that Kaylee didn’t suspect anything, even if it was rumored that Emma had a thing for Alyssa or Shelby. She always denied it, knowing that Shelby wasn’t quite her type, and that if she denied having a thing for Alyssa then people wouldn’t look further into any interactions she had with the girl. She just told anyone who asked that her girlfriend lived in Chicago, which usually got them to leave her alone or say she was lying.

_I don't wanna live love this way_

_I don't wanna hide us away_

_I wonder if it ever will change_

_I'm living for that day_

_Someday._

The dance floor wasn’t less claustrophobic like she’d hoped, it was just as bad but there weren’t going to be people talking to her out here. She could fall back into her thoughts, into her hopes and dreams. Daydreams of dancing with Alyssa, of kissing her.

_When you hold me in the street_

_And you kiss me on the dance floor_

She brought her hand up to her lips, getting lost in the idea of being open and out with Alyssa. She knew that it was still a farfetched idea for senior prom, but a part of her kept repeating that it should be now. That she should be Alyssa’s date, not Greg. That this was all going to be a dream and she would wake up and get ready and go to prom with Alyssa. That she would spend her night with the girl she already had fallen so head over heels in love with.

_I wish that we could be like that_

_Why can't we be like that_

_'Cause I'm yours, I'm yours_

The thing that finally pulled her from her thoughts was the beginning of a piano playing. She felt a part of her crumple as it came on. This couldn’t be happening, this had to be a dream.

_Oh, why can't you hold me in the street?_

_Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?_

Emma knew the song that had come on, her heart breaking at the idea that this was the slow song that they’d picked. She didn’t know who’d requested it, but she wanted to find them and either hug them or punch them. It fit everything about her and Alyssa, and it was going to kill her. She busied herself with getting another glass of punch, hands trembling as she did so. Okay, maybe her resolve was cracking a little more but at least she hadn’t cried again.

_I wish that it could be like that_

_Why can't it be like that?_

_'Cause I'm yours_

Meeting Alyssa’s eyes was one thing, but meeting them as she slow danced with her date was another. She knew that she should be the one dancing with Alyssa, that they shouldn’t be scared of what they had. That wasn’t the case, and it never would be the case because Alyssa’s mother was scarier than the Catholic church could ever be. She kept her eyes locked on Alyssa’s for as long as possible, hearing the song resonate in her soul as she felt a hand on her shoulder. It broke her gaze away just long enough for her to smile at Mr. Hawkins and whisper a thank you for checking on her. He knew more than he let on, but he never said a word and it meant the world to Emma.

_Why can't I say that I'm in love?_

_I wanna shout it from the rooftops_

Emma looked back toward where her girlfriend was dancing and was met with a sight that she never thought she’d have to see again. She felt her breath leave her lungs. Alyssa was kissing Greg, and something about it even having a chance of being real overtook Emma’s entire being. She knew that Alyssa would say it wasn’t real, that it didn’t mean anything, but she knew that for Greg it did. That a kiss would lead to more, and it would lead to Emma being left alone again.

_I wish that it could be like that_

_Why can't we be like that?_

_'Cause I'm yours_

It was too much for Emma, her heart shattering as she made her way out of the gym. This night was a mistake, and her thinking Alyssa was as dedicated to them as she was was a mistake. She knew no one saw her leave, and if they did they wouldn’t come after her, but she wished that Alyssa would. That she’d run out and kiss Emma and say she loved her, but that was only wishful thinking. She pulled out her phone, calling the only person she knew would understand. “G-Grandma?” She cried into the phone, hand fumbling with the keys to her truck as she walked through the parking lot. “Th-This was a mistake...”

_Why can't we be like that_

_Wish we could be like that_


End file.
